Tech Line

Contributed by Bill Prager

The prime minister of India was at the White House.

One embarrassing moment was when President Obama said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'

'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'

Headlines

Contributed by The Florida Dude

After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn (thanks to our President and Congress), a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?"

Free Kittens

Contributed by Wesley Robert

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Immigrant Style

Contributed by Richard Kiser

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400.

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be? So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok.

So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

Blonde Horse Rider

Contributed by Ray Blackaby

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

The Difference Too

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers?

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Contributed by The Florida Dude

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year the dog is still happy to see you.

The Reading

Contributed by Ray Garrison

A drunken Legionnaire walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change.

The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

Judge Judy to Prostitute

Contributed by Ted Profillo

"When did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."

Bubba & Johnny Ray

Contributed by Glen Tilley

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

eMail

Contributed by Bob Dinkins

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers & nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!

Courtesy

Contributed by Helena Miller

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Senior Test

Contributed by Mike "Gunner" Thompson

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

I Met A Fairy Today

Contributed by Jim Clark

I met a fairy today, and she said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

"You’re a crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

Indian In Cafe

Contributed by Dan Pressly

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Letters

Contributed by Billy Workman

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

+ + + + + + + + + +

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

New 2012 Ford / Renault Partnership

Contributed by Burt Sherwood

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the (Renault ) Clio and the (Ford) Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if the owner tells him where it is.

Limerick

Contributed by Glen Tilley

There once was a pervert named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

Forced from the Hill

For acting like Bill,

Now Congress is one weiner leaner.

Sworn To Tell The Truth

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Circumcised

Contributed by Bob Wingfield

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

Language Logic

Contributed by Cecil Morgan

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Contributed by Patty O'Brady

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “When I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”

When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?”

 “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

Contributed by Perry Woods

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning, Ma'am. Could you
please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of America!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are. But with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc, I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look Mr. President, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Male Logic

Contributed by Dale Summers

The following is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

For the Blondes; Read the top line as many times as it takes for you to understand what she asked him to do.

It's Shampoo's Fault

Contributed by Gloria, The Florida Dudette

I have solved the problem, it's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

The White House Bed

Contributed by Ray Blackaby

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is restless again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please tell me "what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing that I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

Little Prick Problems

Contributed by Perry Woods

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the bartender, “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My boy’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that” continued the customer; “but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 19 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”

“No Way, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“Oh, yes it is” said the man…“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”.

The Schnauzer

Contributed by Tammie Mason

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Red, Green, Blue

Contributed by Bubba Herrington

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at Smith Mountain Lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.

He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.

He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"

"Registration and license please" came the reply.

Divorce

Contributed by Megan Collins

The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial.

The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?"

Mrs. C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

The Queen of Guilt

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man called his aging mother here in Florida.

"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth full if you should call."