Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

Contributed by Ronny Salinger

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Two Harley Riding Veterans, Randy and A. J., were sitting at Arnolds Pub on US-1, when A. J. pointed to, two old drunks sitting across the bar from them, and told Randy, "Old Buddy, that's us in 10 years".

Contributed by Brit Underwood

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.

"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception.. It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

December 7, 2011

Fourth Marriage

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel."

"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase at Walgreen's, when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

She explained that, "it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt".

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this ....

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

‘I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?’

Contributed by Roberta Butler

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

In a University of Florida classroom, the qualifications to be President of the United States were being discussed. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen at least 35 years of age.

However, a girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the ... requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

An elderly man had a massive heart attack and the family drove him to the emergency room.

After a while, the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face. "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, "We've never had a liberal in the family before!"

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

Bubba and Billy Bob were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Grumman Aviation at the North East Florida Regional Airport in St. Augustine, FL . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bubba says, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Billy Bob says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas and get completely smashed.

De next morning Billy Bob wakes up and is surprise at how good he feel.

In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone ring. It's Bubba. Bubba says, 'Hey, how you are this morning?'

Billy Bob, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Bubba says, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?'

Billy Bob, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

Bubba Says, ' Yeah, well there is just one thing...

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Pensacola !'

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared.”

The somewhat irate woman called her hubby’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace that you totally fell in love with, and I didn't have the money at the time, but said, “Baby it'll be yours one day.”

Wife: (with a blushing smile) “Yes, I remember that my Love.”

Husband: Well, I'm in the pub next door to that shop.

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The truck driver from Alabama reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Marine Fighter Pilot from Florida started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The old fighter pilot replied, 'These are Carols.'

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as.....Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

President Obama is out Christmas Shopping and walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .”

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:

"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception. It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What goes: now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t?
A snowman on a zebra crossing!

What goes: ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What goes: “oh, oh, oh”?
Santa walking backwards!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho ho ho!

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

"First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows. “Twenty dollars”, she whispers. Bubba had never been with a hooker before.

But decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

“What's going on here, people? Asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.”

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"