The Golf Robot

Contributed by Mark Stewart

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

February 2, 2012

God's Sense of Humor

Contributed by Jack Shuler

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

February 3, 2012

Letter To A Men's Helpline

Contributed by Eric Hanson

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

February 4, 2012

Complete and Finished

Contributed by Dan Pressly

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, there is a difference:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ---COMPLETELY FINISHED.

February 5, 2012

The Rye

Contributed by Tom Cronk

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

February 6, 2012

Lock Your Doors & Windows

Contributed by Steve Nelson of WPXI fame

A Jacksonville, FL man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

February 7, 2012

Cardiologist's Funeral

Contributed by Jack McClung

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...

I'm a Gynecologist!'

February 8, 2012

I forgot!

Contributed by Joan Peek

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

February 9, 2012

Siamese Twins

Contributed by Perry Woods

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.

(For the Blondes: In England, the steering wheel is on the Right Side)

February 10, 2012

A Blonde Calling Her Mom

Contributed by Darlene Bearden

"Hi Mom, how are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth - why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

February 11, 2012

The IRS Auditor

Contributed by Jim Clark

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"?

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

The Hunting Accident

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor..

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

February 13, 2012

Three Day Pass

Contributed by Patrick Tallman

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked

"How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

February 14, 2012

Delusion

Contributed by Dan Pressly

February 15, 2012

Observation

Contributed by Perry Woods

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they may be dead wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, many women will say, "I think I would like to have another child".

Have you ever heard a guy say, " I think I would like to have another kick in the nuts"?

February 16, 2012

Tombstone

Contribute The Florida Dude

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies Ralph Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

February 17, 2012

Pelicans

Contributed by Pam Underwood

Down in Lafourche Parish , Louisiana , Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.

He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment. He finds the man and asks, "What it is I supposed to do?"

The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.

Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says, "Okay. dey all cleaned. You want me to cook some rice?"

February 18, 2012

Potty

Contributed by Joey Jacquin

A little three year old boy was sitting on the toilet. His mother thought he had been there too long, so she went in to see what he was up to. The little boy was sitting on the toilet reading a book. About every 15 seconds or so, he put the book down, gripped the toilet seat with his left hand and hit himself on the top of his head with his right hand.

His mother said, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy said, "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't done potty yet."

His mother said, "Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy said, "It works for ketchup."

February 19, 2012

Lie Detector

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says "at school dad."

The Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" the son says

"What DVD?" asks the father

"Toy story."

The Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

The Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "Ha Ha! He's certainly your son."

The Robot slaps the mom!

February 20, 2012

Blonde Wife Texting

Contributed by Perry Woods

Wife texting to husband at work:

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now the computer won't turn on at all"

February 21, 2012

Timing

Contributed by Peter Jacobson

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” asked Larry

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

February 22, 2012

Planning Ahead

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

February 23, 2012

The Test

Contributed by Butch Holiday

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

February 24, 2012

Question Logic

Contributed by Sarah Connors

Q: Why did the pig cross the road?

A: To prove that he wasn't a chicken.

February 25, 2012

A Blonde Calling Her Mom

Contributed by Darlene Bearden

"Hi Mom, how are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ Why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

February 26, 2012

The Judge & The Drunk

Contributed by Jose Montez

The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."

Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"