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~ JOKE of the Day ~
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February 6, 2012
Lock Your Doors & Windows
Contributed by Steve Nelson of WPXI fame
A Jacksonville, FL man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

February 5, 2012
The Rye
Contributed by Tom Cronk
The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so
much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...By the time you get to the 3rd
loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but
me."

February 4, 2012
Complete and Finished
Contributed by Dan Pressly
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, there is a
difference:
When you marry the right woman, you are
COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong woman, you are
FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ---COMPLETELY
FINISHED.

February 3, 2012
Letter To A Men's Helpline
Contributed by Eric Hanson
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about
midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she
got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her
panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a
hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that
something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

February 2, 2012
God's Sense of Humor
Contributed by Jack Shuler
While creating women, God promised men that
good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.

February 1, 2012
The Golf Robot
Contributed by Mark Stewart
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in
the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of
the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just
received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you
out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of
golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee,
looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver
is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3
wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the
right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break
left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe
this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided
again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to
the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the
best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your
game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank
you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering,
he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf
and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18
holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many
complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were
incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they
were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to
other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for
work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other
thinks he's the President."

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