July 3, 2009

Ordering A Drink

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.  As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July

Contributed by Rodger Smith

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said,

"I'm not free. I'm four."
 

July 5, 2009

Play Your Age

Bonita Sanchez

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.

“Did she win?” he asked.

“No” replied the attendant.

“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

July 6, 2009

Obama

Contributed by Heather Andrews

Barack Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a redhead and a brunette.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States . How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, '$200'.

To the redhead, he said, 'I am the President of the United States . How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the brunette. Her reply was, 'Mr. Obama, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants down as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the retirees, then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!".

July 7, 2009

Big Game Hunter

Contributed by Ed Abbot

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find hermother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came
upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

July 8, 2009

Man

Contributed by Clarence Osborne

A man is incomplete until he is married…

Then he is finished.

July 9, 2009

The Old Drunk & the Biker

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best lay I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it and begged for more!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

July 10, 2009

Clever Grannies

Contributed by Buck Mahan

When an old Grandpa walked by, one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can!

Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old !"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday !"

July 11, 2009

The Concert

Contributed by Jim Clark

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

July 12, 2009

The Answer

Contributed by Ramie Cohen

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

July 13, 2009

Beauty & The Beach

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach ?

A: Nothing -- it just waved !

July 14, 2009

Pants vs. Panties

Contributed by Rodger Smith

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a Little chat.  He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed Them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said , 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, You never will.

July 15, 2009

GOOD NEWS At Last

Contributed by Peggy Chapman

I just received my stimulus package.

It contained watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and ten coupons to KFC.

....Directions are in Spanish.

July 16, 2009

Just As I Thought

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

July 17, 2009

An 80-Year Old Irishman

Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

An 80-year old Irishman goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

"I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad's dead?" The doctor is amazed.

"You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old", says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he played golf with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old is he?"

"He's 118 years old", says the old Irishman.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

July 18, 2009

A Lesson For The Teacher

Contributed by Saundra Thomas

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.

She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

July 19, 2009

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Contributed by Marcia Smith

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'  She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex.  It's called Bunk Beds....and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

July 20, 2009

Home In No Time

Contributed by Keri Maloney

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

July 21, 2009

Monk At The Dentist

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

July 22, 2009

Pop N. Fresh Dies

Contributed by Joshua Barnes

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died last Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

July 23, 2009

The Half-Wit

Contributed by Perry Woods

A man owned a small farm in Northeast Florida.  The Florida Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Farmer.

Contributed by Rodger Smith

A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by
4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one, right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an 'air head blonde', asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.. How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder. 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde win once in awhile)

July 25, 2009

The Scent Of Freshness

Contributed by Jack Shuler

A new Publix supermarket opened in Hudson , Florida .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

July 26, 2009

Sunday Question

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?

A: Because the sun was out.

July 27, 2009

The Maid

Contributed by Konia Hamilton

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

July 28, 2009

Drinking

Contributed by Kerry Pardue

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta, Georgia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?

" "No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

July 29, 2009

Doctor, Take A Look At Me

Contributed by Harold Muncie

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

July 30, 2009

Donald & Daisy

Contributed by Marcia Smith

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked , ‘ I'll thuffocate’

July 31, 2009

The Fart

Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.