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October 2009
October 1,
2009
The Trick
Contributed by Sheila Dunbar
October 2,
2009
White Hairs
Contributed by Anne Robbins
October 3,
2009
It Worked
Contributed by Bunny Castillo
Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my
feet and walking in no time.
October 4,
2009
Did You Feel Anything
Contributed by Harvey Cortez
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the
District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you
put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even
a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did," she said calmly.
“And when was that?” quipped the D.A.
“When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
October 5,
2009
Languages Barrier
Contributed by Connor Hatmaker
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
stop where two Florida yokels are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Florida yokels just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Florida yokel turns to the second and says,
“Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and
it didn’t do him any good.”
October 6,
2009
Bridge of Lions
Contributed by The Florida Dude
A St. Augustine City Police Officer approached an
out-of-town motorist stopped in the middle of the road, before the Bridge of
Lions at the Intracoastal Waterway, holding up traffic. The Officer noticed the
driver jotting on a notebook frantically.
The Officer asked the driver, "What in the world are you
doing?"
The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".
October 7,
2009 Will I Live To Be
80?
Contributed by Rodger Smith
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine,
indulge in chocolate or coffee?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red
meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot
of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a
sh-t?'
October 8,
2009
Random Puny Thoughts
Contributed by Jim Paulus
* Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and
have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. It was close, but
the game was won by a single Dutch Town.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see
you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls
if you came to visit us again."
One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly
said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come
*all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
That’s good John; when did you start walking?
When I got your bill Doctor. I had to sell my car to pay it.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab
tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I'm getting close to 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
* A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with
crazy/angry slogans on them, while guests were visiting. He was punished for
having mad banners.
* He said he had grown strong from all his dancing, but no-one believed him. It
was obvious to all that he was bearing waltz fitness.
(Now This Is The Florida Dude's Kind of Humor)
October 9,
2009
The Black Bra
Contributed by Ellen Butler
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The
other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice,
tall stilettos and a mask.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for
dinner, Batman?"
October 10,
2009
Tea
Contributed by Robert Murray
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me
and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years
old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my
brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup
of 'tea', which was just water.
October 11,
2009
Jeff Gordon Fires Entire Pit Crew
Contributed by Garry Nierotka
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
high tech equipment during NASCAR races. It was thought to be an excellent and
bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
October 12,
2009
It's A Drag
Contributed by Willard Humphreys
Having shot a moose two Canadians began dragging it by the
tail to their pick-up.
October 13,
2009
The Lemon Picker
Contributed by Carl Atkins
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
October 14,
2009
A Miracle For A Drink
Contributed by Herman Delong
October 15,
2009
The Lineup
Contributed by Bobby Jacobs
October 16,
2009
Blonde On Vilano Beach
Contributed by The Florida Dude
If you're ever walking down Vilano Beach and you see a girl
dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to
your ear. . .you can hear her scream.
October 17,
2009
A Talk On Sex
Contributed by Bonni Johansson
October 18,
2009
Doctor's Poker Game
Contributed by SFC Eddie Hamilton
October 19,
2009
Hookers
Contributed by Rodger Smith
His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the
affirmative.
October 20,
2009
Pizza Time
Contributed by Phil Carpenter
“A blonde walks into a Pizza shop and says, "I’d like to
order a bar pizza.”
October 21,
2009
Walking Economy
Contributed by Ethan Martinez
He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."
October 22,
2009
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Contributed by Jacob Porter
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
passionate love all nightlong.
The mistress: Me
too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he
started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for
Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that
the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of Obama's scheme
to employ Harlem youngsters.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able
to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr.
for 10 cases of Bud, a 2 oz. bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife
in the shower.
This particular government-corporate jobs stimulus sponsorship is now being
re-evaluated......
On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses
boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could
give them some advice.
"Sure!" the hunters agreed.
"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by
the horns and not the tail."
"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.
After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is
sure a lot easier, eh?"
"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting
further away from the truck?"
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!. I've been divorced three times, owned
2 G.M. cars, and I voted for Obama."
A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No
way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something
you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down
a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts
playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the
bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on
the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch,
a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the
stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing
frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get
married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try
and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down
on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one
I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback
riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the
second time he fell off."
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after
arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the
other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are
there already!"
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all
the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those
ladies have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers," she replied.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
A guy is walking down Vilano Beach with his friend.
His friend replies, "What do you mean?"
"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep
depression."
10. Sometimes stays in bed
until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women
without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings - in full "KISS"
makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to
rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the
influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
October 23,
2009
The Small White Dot
Contributed by Roy Bauch
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so
exciting about a Period?
October 24,
2009
A Little Quarrel
(Contributed by Jim Clark)
October 25,
2009
The Robbery
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Without looking down, Jim whispers, "What is this?"
October 26,
2009
Playing House
Contributed by Chloe Lewis
October 27,
2009
Laws of Nature
Contributed by Wendell Fergusson
Q:
What is the
difference between in-laws and out-laws?
October 28,
2009
Golf and Skydiving
Contributed by Logan Campbell
October 29,
2009
Mail Order
Contributed by Matthew Bailey
October 30,
2009
This Little Piggy
Contributed by Susan Hicks
October 31,
2009
The Recital
Contributed by Condi Henderson
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time
lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called on
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied.
'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, My mom
fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.'
A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back
seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded
on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors
flagged the man down.
"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.
The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I
had lost my hearing!"
Two friends, Jim and A.J. are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, A.J. slips something into Jim's hand.
A. J. replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls
approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"
"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.
The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what
that means..."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
A:
Out-laws are
wanted.
Q:
What is the
difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A:
A golfer
says "whack....DAMN!" and a skydiver says " Damn ..... WHACK!!"
An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one
of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any
good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's
any good, we'll send the engine."
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of
peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and,
grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy
that ate roast beef."
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to
please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the
local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with
several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling"
he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a
fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
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