September 3, 2009

I Finally Did It

Contributed by Perry Woods

I finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels Old # 7 and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

September 4, 2009

Cowboy

Contributed by Howard "Howdy" Meagle

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.  'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face.... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

September 5, 2009

In The Year 4527

Contributed by The Florida Dude

In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"

September 6, 2009

Picking Lemons

Contributed by Colin Daniel

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

So the foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this - have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

She got the job.

September 7, 2009

Alimony Payment

Contributed by Jim Clark

Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month.

When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

September 7, 2009

The Tiny Cabin

Contributed by Roy Bauch

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of KY and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.. "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker..

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart.

September 8, 2009

Confusion

Contributed by Berry Donaldson

An elderly woman was brought to the Florida Hospital ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient.

“Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said.

“Remember what type of surgery was it?”

 “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.”

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked.

“No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

September 9, 2009

The Marriage

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.''

He said, ''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.''

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

''That was incredible!'' she said.

''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.''

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''

''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

September 10, 2009

It's Just Logic

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles.

At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed.

Why? asks Mick.

Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5.

Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”

September 11, 2009

God Knows

Contributed by Cecil MacAfee

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

September 12, 2009

Name Flame

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q: What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

A: Hose A and Hose B

September 13, 2009

Gone Batty

Contributed by Horace Jansen

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry on some sort of a competition, to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner?

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"

The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.

Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.

Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes.

The bat says "Well, I didn't".

September 14, 2009

Political Correctness

Contributed by Sheila McClatchy

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

September 15, 2009

Weighted Decision

Contributed by Roger Bertholf

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

September 16, 2009

Tech Support Nightmare

Contributed by Vergil Horton

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

September 17, 2009

Making Money

Contributed by Linda Danita

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

September 18, 2009

Do something Religious

Contributed by Perry Woods

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice…

B-4 ... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54... O-72

September 19, 2009

A Few Pick-Up Lines...

Contributed by Benny Delaney

Guy- Are you from Tennessee?
Girl- No why?
Guy- Because you’re the only 10 I see.

Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because U & I should be together.

You must be tired 'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?

If the only way I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me sleep forever.

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got "fine" written all over you!

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

September 20, 2009

Passport

Contributed by Karol Betterton

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

September 21, 2009

Mouse Droppings

Contributed by Jim Clark

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"

"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.

The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"

September 22, 2009

The DUH Factor

Contributed by John Crist

This Florida yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.

The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.

"What do you mean maiden name?" The yokel asked.

"What was your mother’s name before she was married?" he asked.

"None" he replied.

"What do you mean none?" asked the  interviewer.

"I didn't have a mother before she was married", replied the yokel.

September 23, 2009

Blondes and Passwords

Contributed by Allen Good

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "because it had to be at least 8 characters long."

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

September 25, 2009

The Polite Way to Pee

Contributed by Glenn Byron

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite..'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table..'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....

September 26, 2009

The Blessing

Contributed by Bonita Alejandro

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

September 28, 2009

It's Just Logic

Contributed by The Florida Dudette

The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

"Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

September 29, 2009

How Many Did You Catch

Contributed by Johnny Robbins

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

September 30, 2009

Diagnosis

Contributed by Sue Nami

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."